SQLAuthority News – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – Funny Quotes

Following is the collection of some funny quotes regarding computers.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Al Goodman.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Andy Rooney.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
E W Dijkstra.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Isaac Asimov.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

If you don’t know how to do something, you don’t know how to do it with a computer.

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com) , Emails, Friends, Random Websites

SQLAuthority New – Happy New Year 2008

Today is New Year and I wish you all Best for Year 2008. Let us all start our new year with motivational new year quote.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called “Opportunity” and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.
– Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Microsoft has big gift for all SQL Server fans and developers. It is realizing SQL Server 2008.

Today in New Year let us have some laugh together. We will continue together with SQL Server articles from tomorrow.

Shrinking Self Esteem

I hope you enjoy today’s article and have a wonderful Year 2008.

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com)

SQLAuthority News – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – Database Dilbert

This is my favorite Dilbert.

Click on image to see large graphic.

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com) , Dilbert

SQLAuthority News – Best Articles on SQLAuthority.com

SQL SERVER – Cursor to Kill All Process in Database

SQL SERVER – Find Stored Procedure Related to Table in Database – Search in All Stored procedure

SQL SERVER – Shrinking Truncate Log File – Log Full

SQL SERVER – Simple Example of Cursor

SQL SERVER – UDF – Function to Convert Text String to Title Case – Proper Case

SQL SERVER – Restore Database Backup using SQL Script (T-SQL)

SQL SERVER – T-SQL Script to find the CD key from Registry

SQL SERVER – Delete Duplicate Records – Rows

SQL SERVER – QUOTED_IDENTIFIER ON/OFF and ANSI_NULL ON/OFF Explanation

SQL SERVER – Union vs. Union All – Which is better for performance?

SQL SERVER – DBCC RESEED Table Identity Value – Reset Table Identity

SQL SERVER – @@IDENTITY vs SCOPE_IDENTITY() vs IDENT_CURRENT – Retrieve Last Inserted Identity of Record

SQL SERVER – Difference between DISTINCT and GROUP BY – Distinct vs Group By

SQL SERVER – Index Seek Vs. Index Scan (Table Scan)

SQL SERVER – TempDB is Full. Move TempDB from one drive to another drive

SQL SERVER – T-SQL Paging Query Technique Comparison – SQL 2000 vs SQL 2005

SQL SERVER – Performance Optimization of SQL Query and FileGroups

SQL SERVER – Search Text Field – CHARINDEX vs PATINDEX

SQL SERVER – 2005 Explanation of TRY…CATCH and ERROR Handling

SQL SERVER – Script to find SQL Server on Network

SQL SERVER – Stored Procedures Advantages and Best Advantage

SQL SERVER – CASE Statement/Expression Examples and Explanation

SQL SERVER – Raid Configuration – RAID 10

SQL SERVER – Understanding new Index Type of SQL Server 2005 Included Column Index along with Clustered Index and Non-clustered Index

SQL SERVER – Query to Find Seed Values, Increment Values and Current Identity Column value of the table

SQL SERVER – Six Properties of Relational Tables

SQL SERVER – TRIM() Function – UDF TRIM()

SQL SERVER – Difference between Unique Index vs Unique Constraint

SQL SERVER – 2005 Locking Hints and Examples

SQL SERVER – Good, Better and Best Programming Techniques

SQL SERVER – Random Number Generator Script – SQL Query

SQL SERVER – 2005 TOP Improvements/Enhancements

SQL SERVER – 2005/2000 Examples and Explanation for GOTO

SQL SERVER – Explanation SQL Commando GO

SQL SERVER – 2005 – List all the database

SQL SERVER – UDF – Function to Parse AlphaNumeric Characters from String

SQL SERVER – Disable Index – Enable Index – ALTER Index

SQL SERVER – 2005 – SSMS Change T-SQL Batch Separator

SQL SERVER – SQL Code Formatter Tools

SQL SERVER – 2005 Comparison EXCEPT operator vs. NOT IN

SQL SERVER – 2005 NorthWind Database or AdventureWorks Database – Samples Databases

SQL SERVER – 2005 Find Table without Clustered Index – Find Table with no Primary Key

SQL SERVER – 2005 Limiting Result Sets by Using TABLESAMPLE – Examples

SQL SERVER – 2005 Change Database Compatible Level – Backward Compatibility

SQL SERVER – 2005 Constraint on VARCHAR(MAX) Field To Limit It Certain Length

SQL SERVER Database Coding Standards and Guidelines Complete List Download

SQL SERVER – Insert Multiple Records Using One Insert Statement – Use of UNION ALL

SQL SERVER – Retrieve – Select Only Date Part From DateTime – Best Practice

SQL SERVER – 2005 T-SQL Paging Query Technique Comparison (OVER and ROW_NUMBER()) – CTE vs. Derived Table

SQL SERVER – Easy Sequence of SELECT FROM JOIN WHERE GROUP BY HAVING ORDER BY

SQL SERVER – 2005 – UDF – User Defined Function to Strip HTML – Parse HTML – No Regular Expression

SQL SERVER – Retrieve Current Date Time in SQL Server CURRENT_TIMESTAMP, GETDATE(), {fn NOW()}

SQL SERVER – Explanation and Comparison of NULLIF and ISNULL

SQL SERVER – 2005 Row Overflow Data Explanation

SQL SERVER – Comparison Index Fragmentation, Index De-Fragmentation, Index Rebuild – SQL SERVER 2000 and SQL SERVER 2005

SQL SERVER – Comparison : Similarity and Difference #TempTable vs @TempVariable

SQL SERVER – Definition, Comparison and Difference between HAVING and WHERE Clause

SQL SERVER – 2005 Best Practices Analyzer Tutorial – Sample Example

SQL SERVER – 2005 – List All Stored Procedure Modified in Last N Days

SQL SERVER – Count Duplicate Records – Rows

SQL SERVER – CASE Statement in ORDER BY Clause – ORDER BY using Variable

SQL SERVER – Restore Database Without or With Backup – Everything About Restore and Backup

SQL SERVER – UDF – Function to Get Previous And Next Work Day – Exclude Saturday and Sunday

SQL SERVER – One Thing All DBA Must Know

SQL SERVER – 2005 – List Tables in Database Without Primary Key

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Find Stored Procedure Create Date and Modified Date

SQL SERVER – UDF – Validate Integer Function

SQL SERVER – What is SQL? How to pronounce SQL?

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Difference and Similarity Between NEWSEQUENTIALID() and NEWID()

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Explanation and Script for Online Index Operations – Create, Rebuild, Drop

SQL SERVER – Find Last Day of Any Month – Current Previous Next

SQL SERVER – T-SQL Script to Insert Carriage Return and New Line Feed in Code

SQL SERVER – 2005 – T-SQL Script to Attach and Detach Database

SQL SERVER – Actual Execution Plan vs. Estimated Execution Plan

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Search Stored Procedure Code – Search Stored Procedure Text

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Find Tables With Foreign Key Constraint in Database

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Find Tables With Primary Key Constraint in Database

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Introduction and Explanation to sqlcmd

SQL SERVER – UDF – User Defined Function – Get Number of Days in Month

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Start Stop Restart SQL Server From Command Prompt

SQL SERVER – 2005 – List All The Constraint of Database – Find Primary Key and Foreign Key Constraint in Database

SQL SERVER – UDF – Validate Positive Integer Function – Validate Natural Integer Function

SQL SERVER – Effect of TRANSACTION on Local Variable – After ROLLBACK and After COMMIT

SQL SERVER – 2005 – OUTPUT Clause Example and Explanation with INSERT, UPDATE, DELETE

SQL SERVER – 2005 – Sample Example of RANKING Functions – ROW_NUMBER, RANK, DENSE_RANK, NTILE

SQL SERVER – Three T-SQL Script to Create Primary Keys on Table

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com)

SQL SERVER – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – Valid SQL Error

Yesterday I had posted my 300th post and I missed the announcement. One of my reader sent me following Image in email congratulating SQLAuthority blog for completing 300th post and also informing me that it has been long time I have posted something funny. I have written few articles about frequent SQL Server Errors on this blog. He suggested that this humorous images goes along with it.

If you know source of this image please let me know I would like to include that. Visit more SQL Server Humors.

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com) , Need original reference for image.

SQL SERVER – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – Search SQL

In meeting with DBA friends one of my friend suggested while searching for “MSSQL Client” Microsoft returns you suggestion as “MySQL Client“. I did not believe it so I tested it myself. He was correct. Here is the screen shot.


Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com)

SQL SERVER – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – 15 Signs to Identify Bad DBA

15 Signs to Identify Bad DBA

They think it is bug in SQL Server when two NULL values compared with each other but SQL Server does not say they equal to each other.
They do not rename the trigger name thinking it will not work after it is rename.
They are looking for difference between Index Scan or Table Scan on Google.
They reinstall the SQL Server if they forget the password of SA login.
They use model database for testing their script.
They believe compiled stored procedure is production ready.
They prefix all stored procedures with ‘sp_’ to be consistent with MS naming convention.
They believe it is best to use stored procedure to move million records across database.
They index all the fields in database to improve the performance.
They believe that adding a foreign key constraint with the ‘Enforce Relationship’ checkbox unchecked is best way to apply relationships as it ensures relationships with ‘constraint errors’ while modifying the data.
They believe SELECT * is better than including all the columns name in SELECT as SQL has to read less syntax.
They believe Rules are better than Constraints and try to convert all constraints to rules.
They add new column in four steps : Create a new table, Copy all the data over, Drop the old table, Rename the new table.
They believe there is bug with SQL Server that it auto creates Clustered Index every time Primary Key is created on table.
They think this article is not funny or disagree with at least 5 of the points above.

Note: Please consider this post as humor, when I started to learn about SQL many years ago I disagreed with all of the above points.

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com), Web-Article

SQL SERVER – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – Generic Quotes

Few days ago, in meeting I was forced to answer one of the question from non-programmer was considered as funny quotes for long time.

“Yes it is latest year 2005 version of SQL Server – still it will not play your flash movie” — Pinal Dave (SQLAuthority.com)

Many of following quotes are well apply to SQL Server or any database and I find them humorous.

Software is Too Important to be Left to Programmers

— Meilir Page-Jones.

A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.

— Einstein

If you think good architecture is expensive, try bad architecture.

— Brian Foote and Joseph Yoder

Abraham Lincoln reportedly said that, given eight hours to chop down a tree, he’d spend six sharpening his axe.

— TidBITS 654, quoted by Derek K. Miller, via Art Evans

This saying is popular among scientists (doing experiments), but I believe it applies to software testing, particularly for real-time systems.

— Larry Zana

Q: How many QA testers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: QA testers don’t change anything. They just report that it’s dark.

— Kerry Zallar

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. But the house falls down.

— Andrew Siwko

There’s no time to stop for gas, we’re already late

— Karin Donker

One test is worth a thousand opinions.

If you didn’t write it down, it didn’t happen.

If you’ve found 3 bugs in a program, best estimate is that there are 3 more.

60% of product cost comes after initial shipment.

Your problem is another’s solution;

Your solution will be his problem.

The schedule doesn’t have enough time for maintenance in it.

A lot of bugs get past the tests.

Most old code can’t be maintained.

“If you make a general statement, a programmer says, ‘Yes, but…’

while a designer says, ‘Yes, and…'”

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com) , Software Engineering Proverbs collected by Tom Van Vleck

SQL SERVER – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – Funny Quotes

While searching WIKI I came across this oracle WIKI. I found this very funny. I have taken few quotes from this site. There are lot more stuff there.

The degree of normality in a database is inversely proportional to that of its DBA.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

“Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.” — Edward V. Berard, “Life-Cycle Approaches”

“Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.”

Users don’t know what they really want, but they will know when they see it…

You can have it done FAST | \
You can have it done RIGHT | | — Pick any two
You can have it done CHEAP | /

Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS)

If you work on a program long enough, it will eventually send E-mail. (My friend though this was funniest!!!)

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com) , Oracle Wiki

SQL SERVER – SQL Joke, SQL Humor, SQL Laugh – SP

One of my Friend send me(in email) following stored procedure. I laughed when I read it. Please enjoy it. It is here for amusement purpose only. Never use on development or production server. This is already dangerous you have been warned.

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom CHAR(NotBad),
@ Bride CHAR(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT
Bride
FROM india_ Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire'
AND
CarCount > 2
AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed'
AND
BrideEduStatus='PG or Above'
AND
HavingBrothers='NO'
AND
HavingSisters ='No'
AND
AllowRelocate ='YES'
SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance
FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed
VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO

When the girl comes to know about the above code she writes the below given query:
DROP HIM

Reference : Pinal Dave (http://blog.SQLAuthority.com) , Email received from friend